Music Of The Night

19 Jun

My piano sits lonely, music still scattered on the stand, and I long to play it. I want to sing, to feel free, to do what I LOVE to do, but I just don’t have the time or ambition to do so (except at 3 am and that just won’t fly with Dave and Paige). I miss my music. I’m rusty and my fingers feel like lead, my voice cracks when I try to do more than a simple song, and yet it calls to me.

Music is my first love. I can’t say it’s my only love or my true love (have you met my husband and daughter?), but it’s never betrayed me.

I spent HOURS playing in high school, so much so that I caused major problems in my wrists and have to deal with those more than a few times a year. During college, it was required of me to practice an hour a day. Okay, I admit…an hour a day didn’t happen much (as a music major, I would be in classes/lessions/ensembles for 8 to 10 hours a day in order to get my 18 to 21 credit hours), but when I did practice, it wasn’t a 15 minute session.

Since I left school, I might get 30 minutes a week. That’s enough time to run through a couple of my favorite pieces (and totally knocks out any chance of learning a long piece), but not enough to really satisfy that need or give my body a chance to keep up.

My skills are seriously going downhill, but it’s still calling to me.

I don’t want to teach again, I don’t want to play for a church again, I just want time. Time for me and my piano. Time to really lose myself in my music and to not have to worry about a house to clean and a child to take care of. Time that no mother really has for herself.

I NEVER thought I would miss it like I do. My eyes gaze at the shelves upon shelves of dusty, seldom played music. The thousands of dollars in scores, hymnals, and sheet music that I own, but I still can’t seem to carve out the time to even dust them off.

I tell myself that I’ll play when Dave is home, but then I suddenly became shy. I can be completely naked in front of my husband, but I can’t practice piano. No, it doesn’t make sense.

I tell myself that I’ll play EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. when I buy my baby grand (give me about 15 years on that), but at that point, I’ll have nothing left.

So I’m going to do it. Somehow, some way, I need to get going again. I need to find my drive and ambition, I need to get back in the swing of things.

After all, I miss my piano, I miss singing…it’s a part of me. And it’s time to find that part again.

(My apologies if this is not well written. Apparently, I’m finding the need to blog at 3:30 am and my brain just doesn’t want to keep up with my fingers.)

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One Response to “Music Of The Night”

  1. Queen Kelley July 8, 2009 at 2:12 pm #

    I feel this way about writing. It’s something I long for but can’t seem to find the time to do. Best wishes on trying to fit your passion into your days!

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