Perspective

26 May

It’s May…the time of year when I usually end up reflecting on my life. It think it’s the fact that it’s a time of re-birth that causes me to think. But this year, it hit me hard (in a good way!).

May 2002 through sometime in 2005 were the worst years of my life, mental-health wise. In fact, only in the past 3 years have I really healed and been able to enjoy my life.

In May 2002, I was so depressed that I contemplated suicide. I was going to end it. I didn’t know how, but I knew that I was just done with living. I spent time with a counselor over the summer, but wasn’t nearly where I should’ve been that fall. I proceeded to lose myself, to fall behind in work, to go back to old habits (old habits die hard and all that). I was binging and purging, it was a way to forget.

I failed and was told I was a failure.

The pattern repeated and I found myself thinking of death again. Of crashing the car, of attempting to over-dose, of slashing my wrists. But I could never bring myself to come close. I think I always knew that there was something greater just waiting for me.

The suicidal thoughts gradually faded over time, I spent many hours deep in reflection at a psychologist’s office, I learned how to deal with life.

Which brings me to this year…

I am so incredibly grateful for all that I have. Even more so than if I would’ve never gone through what I did. Looking back, my pain was just minuscule, even though at the time it seemed great.

Had I gone through with any of my thoughts, I would not have this life. My wonderful husband, my amazing little girl, my faith, my family, my friends…all gone.

I am so happy that God gave me a second chance, that I now have the perspective on life that I do, that I can finally, FINALLY live the life that I never knew was possible.

Finally.

Thank you.

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