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Prayers

19 Dec

I’m one who likes things out in the open. I know tons of people that keep things close, but if I’m stewing about a situation, I want others to know about it.

But all the same, I don’t think I’m quite ready to go all-out on the current problem. At least, not on this very public blog.

I do need prayers though. Prayers for my family…which is going through a bit of a crisis right now. Prayers than a 10-month old child isn’t continuously used as a pawn by her parents and that she be allowed to see her family for the holidays. Prayers that I can stop my mouth from shouting out the truth because it’s doing more harm than good. Prayers that we, as a family, can stand our ground and prove that we can’t be walked over anymore by a pain in the tush teenager. Prayers that my brother FINALLY grows up and acts like the man he’s supposed to be.

Things could be worse, as always, but we’re struggling and it’s making the joyful holidays a nightmare that just won’t stop. I just want to be able to NOT cry on Christmas day…I’ve already had my 2-year old attempt to calm me down and I don’t really want to have to repeat that in front of her. She doesn’t need it.

I wish there was an easy way to make two very immature people grow up. But I also wish there was an easy way for me to not speak my mind with such crassness. I blame that on the fact that I spent 20+ years holding my tongue and I’ve lost that filter. Still, the truth (as truthful as it is), doesn’t always make a situation better. And while things need to be said and the enabling needs to be stopped, a child is being used as a pawn because her parents don’t like the truth. They are punishing the ONLY people that have put up with their crap and shoving them out of their lives, in turn, hurting a baby girl that I (and my parents) care deeply for.

So prayers. Please. I need them for peace, sanity, and anything else that would help this absolutely AWFUL situation.

Thanks.

~k~

July 21st

21 Jul

I’ve been lacking in updates lately and it’s only going to get worse. My apologies and I hope that most of you still read me when the fall finally hits.

So first off….the bank will give us our money back, but we have to dispute the charges ourselves. Which stinks, but hopefully we can do that soon and get this behind us. As of 2 days ago, the larger charges hadn’t hard hit our account and we have to wait until then. The good news is that we may not even have to worry about over-draft charges since Dave’s paycheck got put into the account the day after this happened. Thank GOD it happened when it did or we’d be out 3-4 THOUSAND dollars. It’s actually rare that our account only has $500 in it, so the fact that that was all they got away with was a blessing. And my new card showed up within 2 days, instead of the 7-10 business days I was quoted. It’s nice when things work out like that.

We have been trying to not concentrate on Mom’s cancer, mainly because it’s easier to scare yourself than it is to have hope when you’re searching Dr. Google. But here’s what I know: Papillary thyroid cancer is the most common and most treatable cancer. Usually, they can just take the thyroid and the cancer is gone. However, the best cases are when the patient is under 40 (Mom is 49), it’s only in 1 or two lesions (it’s in all 4), and the lesions are all under 1.5 cm (the smallest is 1.1×1.1x.0.8 and the largest is 2.2×2.2x?). At this point we have to just wait and see what the surgeon has to say. The best worse case scenario is that it’s only spread to the lymph nodes, which they can take out as well. The worst would be if it spread to other areas of the throat or even to the lungs. She’ll most likely have to go through Radioactive Iodine (RAI) treatments to make sure all of the cancer cells are killed. It’s much less intensive than chemo or even radiation therapy, but she’ll have to be in seclusion for over a week. From what we’ve read, she’ll have one treatment at 6-8 weeks out from the surgery and then another at 6-8 months. But that’s dependent on what the surgeon thinks is needed. Thankfully, Mom has about 16 weeks of sick leave saved up and also has disability insurance that kicks in at 2 months (and I think back-pays…) so she won’t have to use all of her sick leave. She’ll probably still end up taking a good chunk out of it, but this is why she’s saved it for so long.

Me? I’m okay…this pregnancy is making me incredibly sick and tired. Lisa passed along some ginger chews that help, but nothing has worked more than an hour or two. The good news is, I’m not actually throwing up. But the level of nausea I have almost makes me wish I would just throw up and get it over with for the day! Paige has been great, but I think she’s moving to get rid of her naps. That, I’m not happy about. Even when she gives up sleeping, we’re still going to have “quiet time” in the afternoon. I think it’s a good practice for all involved. When she gets older, that can be her reading time.

My aunt is driving down today from Wisconsin. I need to give her a call to see how they are doing and get an approximate arrival time. I’m thinking it will be around 9 tonight, but it would be nice if they could get here earlier. Not only because I know the drive is seriously long (especially with 2 toddlers and 1 adult), but also since Paige goes to be at 9:30. Won’t be the end of the world if she’s up until 10 or so, she’ll just sleep in tomorrow. Child’s schedule is already messed up, so I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle anyway :-P.

Okay…I’ve been upright too long. Maybe laying down will help with the sickness. How much longer?!

~Kelley

From July 14th…

21 Jul

1) My mom has thyroid cancer. From what I’ve read, this is the “best” kind of cancer to have because it is pretty treatable. However, there are quite a few things that could be problematic and I’m sure I’ll get into it at some point. I’ve been pretty broken down today, but I keep telling myself that it WILL be okay. We’re just in a holding pattern right now. She sees the surgeon to get her thyroid out on the 29th and then we’ll hopefully know more.

2) Someone stole my debit card number and cleaned out our checking account. They got away with almost $500. Thankfully, we have savings, but it’s still embarrassing to not be able to pay for the meal you just ordered. I was given our food for free (I’ve already sent the girl a thank you note because I knew her in high school), which made me about cry. You don’t know what that little bit of kindness does to help a person…in this case, it got Paige fed (which is the important part). So thank you Jennie. And screw you whoever stole our money. I hope you get yours.

To say it’s been a crappy couple of days is a real understatement.

~K~

Fat Butt Fridays (early)

24 Jun

I’m doing this early because tomorrow we have a doctor’s appointment for the baby and I’m doing the single parent thing until Sunday (Dave’s coming back for the appointment, but only for the appointment…so that makes me even more exhausted). Thankfully, Paige is a wonderful child and even though we have our moments where I want to just pull my hair out (Hello terrible 2’s), she’s really not bad.

Now that I’m pregnant (woohoo!), I’m not really dieting. With Paige, I gained a whole 10 pounds and I hope to do the same with this pregnancy. So while I’m not dieting, I’m still watching what I eat and exercising. I’m not going to try to lose weight at all, but to need to eat over 3000 calories a day (I think the total was 3150 or something like that) after eating 2200-2500 is kind of difficult to do. I know, I’m complaining about eating more…who am I?! I refuse to stop exercising though…and I don’t want to fill up on junk, so we’ll just see what happens. I’m sure my doctor will discuss it with me if there’s a problem (and I plan to discuss it with him tomorrow).

I’m sitting right around 280 right now, so I DID make my goal for the month. I’d like to not go over 290 for the pregnancy, but we’ll see what happens. I know weight gain for someone of my size is generally 10-15 pounds.

I’m still doing the 120 mile challenge, which is actually a great thing. Having that hanging over my head has really motivated me to get out of bed in the morning and get to the gym. It’s also motivated me to go farther. For instance, I know I need to be at 40 miles by Wednesday, so I went to the gym this morning and I was just EXHAUSTED when I woke up. I told myself that I would go for 2 miles on the elliptical (about 30 minutes since I need to keep my heart rate at or under 140) and take it from there. I did a full hour and 4.5 miles. I’m still tired, but I feel better about what I’ve accomplished. And I’m that much closer to the goal.

(Even though I’m not keeping up with the weight-loss, I’m going to keep it in this form so all is ready to go :-). Plus, I like to keep track of my weight because I did lose a bunch of weight at first with Paige and I want to make sure I stay healthy)

So here are the updates:

Starting weight: 312 (yes, I know)

Goal Weight: 180

Goal loss: 132 pounds (not in play until March 2011)

Current weight: 280

Current loss: 32 pounds

Last Week’s mile total: 23

This Week’s Miles: 14.5

Total Mileage: 37.5

too smart?

7 Dec

Apparently, I have read too much and discussed too much with my daughter’s pediatricians. It kills me to hear/see/witness certain things that go on in a child’s life. I REALLY try not to judge how other people parent, because I HATE being judged or told how to do things, but these are my parenting pet-peeves. Please try to not take offense…seriously!

(PS…I am FAR from perfect and some one probably thinks I’m doing things wrong…feel free to gripe about me on your blog! :-P)

1) I really don’t care if you formula feed or breast feed, but when it comes to cereal…WAIT. Unless there is a SERIOUS medical need, no child needs any solids before 4 months. They really don’t need anything for at least 6 months, but sometimes doctors will tell you to start them early for things like acid reflux or low weight gain. I know people that have started the child at 3 months (or even earlier) and that’s just crazy. Mostly, because they think it will help the baby to sleep longer at night. Guess what? Solids are processed in the same length of time as formula/breast milk. If a child hasn’t lost the tongue thrusting reflex, they are not ready for solids. Am I a medical professional? HELL NO. Which is why you should go by what your doctor says, but make sure your doctor is up to date (I know a doctor who told a mother to turn her child’s car seat around at 8 months even though it was against the law).

2)Turning car seats too early. This actually just changed for me. I originally thought there was absolutely no harm in turning your child right at a year and 20 pounds, but now that I know the truth, I want to educate people. It it SO MUCH more dangerous for your child to front-face than you think. Look up internal decapitation. This is what changed me. I’m not one of those people to go out advocating (maybe I should!), but try to keep your child rear-facing as long as possible. Most car seats anymore will rear-face up to 35 pounds. Don’t worry about a child’s legs crossing, it’s actually safe and children don’t get uncomfortable like we adults do. There also haven’t been any incidences of their hips being hurt when in a crash, which was one reason I hesitated. But even then, I would rather something be wrong with their legs than to have their spinal cord snapped. And after being rear-ended and feeling the pain from whiplash as a full-grown adult, I can’t imagine a young child who’s head is about 30% of their body weight going through that.

3)Not disciplining. Now…there’s a HUGE difference in how people do things. I’m not one to beat my child, I don’t yell at her, but I’m one of the strictest parents I know. I can’t stand a child that won’t listen to you. A real-life encounter just a few weeks ago left me feeling even more validated in how I’m raising Paige because neither parent could control this child and just repeatedly used “friend” language to reason with their 4 year old. I’m all about using “no thank you” and giving options, but kids need to understand that no means no and when mommy says to stop, that means to stop. (I totally just read your post Kelsey and I swear to GOD this is not about your post! Believe me, Spencer’s not even to the age where I would care about this!) After working at the daycare and dealing with children who’s parents treated them like friends and just laughed, I realize this is a much more serious problem than I think we realize. Maybe they didn’t know how to deal with the child, but seriously? Child should not be running out in the middle of the road while you just laugh at them. That’s totally NOT. COOL Plus, we are meant to be parents and not friends to our kids. Yes, we can be friends, but you’ve to do the parenting thing first. Otherwise, how is your child supposed to know boundaries and how to treat people properly?

4)Not enforcing naps/bedtimes. Now, I get that some children need less sleep than others and some have medical conditions where sleep is nearly impossible (autism speaks to me). But a normal child should be napping at least once a day. Again, I know someone who’s children are desperately in need of naps and a steady bedtime, but she waits until the child is about passing out before she puts them down. Once again, going to preface this by saying (in all caps as well) I AM NOT PERFECT, but I need time both for myself and couple’s time with my husband, so we have set bedtimes. Paige goes down for a nap at 1:30 and is down until AT LEAST 3 (even if she’s just playing). She then goes to bed around 9 (sometimes Daddy will keep her up until 9:30, but not often). Keep in mind, child doesn’t get up until 9/9:30 either, so she’s getting a full 12 hours at night and then another 1+ hours during the day. It’s the consistency though. She knows that it’s bedtime. She knows that when I say she has 10 minutes until bedtime, she has 10 minutes and then she’s going (no, she doesn’t have a concept of time, but I like to give a warning so I don’t just scoop her up from playing).

5) Baby-ing their child. Your child is learning how to walk and falls. Are you going to rush in and cuddle him right away or are you going to let them learn? I have a tough child and have actually gotten after my mom for baby-ing Paige. I don’t want a child who’s afraid to do something or is constantly needing cuddles because they bonked their head. There are times when Paige falls and needs a mommy cuddle. But 2 minutes later, she’s running again. I watch her fall sometimes and if she sees me looking, the face might crumble, but if I quickly hide my eyes or yell “bonk!”, she laughs and goes on her way. Maybe she’s just strange (okay, that’s almost a given considering her parents), but children are tough. It’s time to not treat them like china and more like the bull, okay? 😛

Okay, I have more I can write about, but Paige is awake and I need to play with my girlie a little.

What are your parenting gripes? What do you wish others knew?

🙂

~k~

Angry

17 Aug

I am angry.

I am so angry I could spit nails.

But not at just one thing, that would be too easy.

I’m angry with Thomas. His selfishness has severely hurt Lisa. I’m angry that he’s put fears and doubt into Dave by his stupid ass actions. I’m angry that he thought he could play God.

I’m angry with Dave. He doesn’t consider me when making decisions. He thinks that whatever he says goes. In a way, he’s actually VERY controlling. It can be anything, from liking movies to whether or not Paige goes to his grandfather’s funeral (more on that in a minute). But if I don’t agree, major fighting and things usually end up going his way. I’m angry that he’s giving up, that I feel like I’m alone in this fight for us, that I’m ALWAYS last in his mind.

I’m angry at his family. His grandfather is dying (cancer) and they don’t understand that we have lives of our own. Calls every 30 minutes from multiple people is NOT OKAY. I’m so sick of them and in the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind, wish all of them would just GO AWAY. Yes, his grandfather is dying. Yes, he’s currently up there seeing him for what will probably the last time. NOW LEAVE HIM ALONE. No, Paige will NOT be going to the hospital and no, she will NOT be going to the funeral. I feel very strongly about this and I don’t care what Dave says…it WILL NOT happen.

I’m angry at myself for not being able to just forgive and forget.

I’m angry at myself for letting myself be walked on for so many years, that everyone around me just assumes that’s how it’s going to be. So I end up being “that bitch” and told that I need to just give it up when I’m just protecting myself and my daughter. She will not grow up being a doormat like I was.

I’m angry that I have no patience. Life has taken an extreme toll on me this past week and Paige is the one suffering. She’s not the one I should be yelling at, not the taking the brunt of my anger (I NEVER hit her fyi), it’s not her fault.

I’m so angry that I can’t just run away. I’m severely tempted to go visit my cousin in Colorado and be gone for a month.

I’m just THAT angry right now and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Craziness

13 Aug

There’s been quite a bit of shit going down around these parts lately. Not only do I still have the in-laws mess, but I get to add moving and the current situation regarding friends of mine into the equation.

All of this is equalling a very unhappy, very emotional, very TIRED Kelley.

I’m spreading myself thin, but I can still take it. However…it would be nice for my husband to comfort me. And is this happening? Nope.

His response? “I don’t want to get drug into it”

WHAT.THE.FUCK.

Seriously?

Your wife is sobbing on the couch and is an OBVIOUS mess and you “don’t want to get drug into it”.

I love my husband, I really do. But times like these are when I wish he was just slightly (okay, quite a bit more) compassionate.

I hate that he can’t give me a hug and tell me that things will work out. I understand that this is not his battle and that it doesn’t effect him like it does me, BUT I NEED SOMEONE TO LEAN ON TOO.

I need to be strong for my friends, we’re all family. Said friend (who I will not name because I’m not sure how she feels about me discussing even minor details online) is like a sister to me. Our friendship has lasted longer than our marriage and we’ve been through more as friends than Dave and I have been through as husband and wife.

Regardless…I’m a mess. There, I’m admitting it. I’m stressed to the extreme breaking point and all I want is a hug from my husband.

One. fucking. hug.

But instead, I get attitude and a small good-night peck.

I need him to grow up and realize this isn’t about him. That WoW shouldn’t replace caring for and helping out your wife. That while this isn’t happening directly to us, IT DOES EFFECT HIM because IT EFFECTS ME.

Jesus.

Something big is going to blow soon.

Just follow the nuclear explosion to Cincinnati and I’m sure you’ll find the remains of my emotions out for everyone to see.

(You know who you are…if you are reading this. DO.NOT.FEEL.GUILTY!!! I am ALWAYS here for you and ALWAYS willing to listen/help/cry. I just needed to vent a little and since Dave is being a prick, this was the current medium of choice)